When I look back on my life before sobriety, I think of all the times I looked in a mirror and didn’t like what I saw.
I grew up in the time of “nothing looks as good as skinny feels” rhetoric. As a person who’s always been in a bigger body, it wasn’t until I stopped drinking that I really learned to love myself. Alcohol was always my security blanket when I felt scared or insecure. When I turned 21, I was also navigating coming out as a queer woman. This made everything exponentially harder, especially at a small liberal arts college where the general population was incredibly straight. Like sooooo straight.
Dating in my early 20s I used alcohol as a coping mechanism. I didn’t know how to go on a date without drinks before, during, or after. I spent so much of my time deeply unhappy with who I was that I never was coherent enough to really express myself. The hangovers and anxiety that came after was actually the thing that made me realize I needed to get sober. The day after drinking I would be in complete shambles, anxious about the things I did and said the day before, because alcohol gave me a fearlessness that I once thought was a strength, and later learned was a part of me I absolutely despised. Getting into fights with friends and family, putting my hands on people I loved, all while having major stomach problems (I’d later find out I was allergic to brewer’s yeast - commonly found in my favorite at the time, White Claw).
Once the COVID-19 pandemic hit and I could no longer frequent my regular bars, I started to see how much better I felt without alcohol. In late 2020 I was living in Boston with a friend I’ve known my entire life and she and I had a conversation where I shared that I was going to try to drink less. She and my partner Cam supported me through that time in a way that I am so eternally grateful for. When I had told other friends I wasn’t drinking anymore, their responses were generally the same: “come on, you can’t just have one glass of champagne to celebrate [blank]?” To which I worked up the courage to respond with the fact that it would never be just one. I was never able to stop myself once I got that buzzy feeling that I mistook as confidence.
Fast forward to today, I’m almost four years sober and the life I live without alcohol has opened so many doors for me. Moving to Western Mass was the opportunity that I had been waiting for to change my path and experience a life without alcohol. Not only was the Pioneer Valley a place where there are SO many sober folks, but bars and restaurants didn’t bat an eye when I asked for an NA option. In a place like Boston, hustle culture rules everything and drinking is the way to network and connect. Western Mass’ slower pace of life has allowed me to find out who I really am and what matters to me most. One of those things was the disconnect I had been feeling in traditional work environments. In 2024, I left my corporate job to start my own business as an HR & Administrative consultant and to start offering regular yoga classes. With my reliance on alcohol I know I never could have gotten there or believed in myself enough to do something like this. Two years in, I have clients that respect my boundaries, are doing work I really believe in, and I’m writing this from a retreat I got to take myself on to spend some time away from my daily life. Believing in yourself is hard, but always worth it.
Contributor:
Fran
instagram: @franastinoyoga
website: franastino.com, inhaletheimagery.substack.com